Last night I experienced a remarkable disappointment from slave-boy, a disappointment so major and so unexpected, that it has me wondering - for the first time since I collared him a year and 3 months ago - whether this is someone I want as my slave, or whether I’ve been living a lie and should let him go.
I was away for 2 weeks over spring break visiting my husband. When I came back a week ago everything seemed to be normal with slave-boy and the rest of the household (see info on the household here). This weekend, while slave-boy was away visiting his mom, I was informed by our other two roommates, Cynic and Mathematician, that slave-boy’s behavior has been far from exemplary while I was gone.
The list of transgressions is serious and disturbingly long:
1. He smoked pot for the entire 2 weeks I was gone, every day, multiple times a day, fully aware I would not have approved of it (I allow him to smoke pot occasionally, but every day all day long is unacceptable).
2. He never asked me for permission to do that, fully aware that permission to smoke pot is required every time.
3. He smoked all that pot in the house, fully aware this is a no-smoking-anything house.
4. He did not tell me about any of it afterwards, not a word, and never intended to tell me. Had our roommates not informed me, I would’ve never known. He was quietly hoping I wasn’t going to find out and we’d live happily ever after.
5. He openly disrespected a roommate: Cynic asked him not to smoke pot in the house while he is around; a few minutes later slave-boy proceeded to light a joint with Cynic right there.
6. He was not maintaining the standards of cleanliness that I have set for the house and himself.
This was all news to me and I was shocked to hear it, but wanted to talk to slave-boy before jumping to any conclusions. He returned last night and we had a long conversation during which he confessed to all of the above, and revealed EVEN MORE problems with his thinking/emotions while trying to explain his unacceptable behavior:
7. A level of arrogance and haughtiness completely unbecoming to a slave: He admitted to having little respect for both Downer and Mathematician, and feeling he was better than them. He’s always had a big ego that we’ve been working on reigning in, but this showed that not only have we made no progress, we’ve maybe even regressed!
8. Moreover, his arrogance was mind-blowingly hypocritical and un-self-critical: He claimed his lack of respect for our roommates stemmed from their failure to be strong people with uncompromising integrity; for example, they get drunk too often, are reckless with their finances, and don’t try to get a job they’d like even though they are unhappy in their current one. Yet, slave-boy himself suffers, or has suffered in the past, from those exact same issues!
9. He tried to explain his failure to maintain high cleanliness standards by the fact that when I’m not around, the other roommates relax their standards, so he thought he could relax his as well. This revealed an astonishing lack of understanding of his role, rights, and responsibilities as a slave. Our roommates are free people, they can relax their standards when they don’t have to compromise with their cleaning-Nazi roommate. But he, a slave, he does not have that luxury! For as long as he wears my collar around his neck, he is bound by my rules for his behavior, whether I’m around or not. Furthermore, everything he does and says is a reflection of and on ME; when he behaves badly in front of others, he embarrasses not only himself, but also me, the Owner he claims to be the center of his world. These things seems self-evident to me, and are also clearly stated in our contract. If this happened 2 months into our D/s relationship, I’d understand. 1 year and 3 months into it, I’m just baffled.
10. He tried to explain his pot-smoking by being depressed because I was gone and he had to live with 2 vanilla people whom he didn’t respect (and so he needed to self-medicate). Being depressed because your Owner (or any kind of romantic partner) is gone for 2 weeks reveals a level of emotional dependency that goes WAY BEYOND what is healthy. We’re not talking breaking up or death here, we’re talking about a 2-week separation due to vacation! Being depressed because you had to live with 2 vanilla people (with or without your Owner) reveals a serious lack of willingness or ability to compromise with other people. Both are serious red flags in my book. I have no desire to own someone who is incapable of regulating his emotions enough to survive 2 weeks (in a state of relative emotional well-being and without resorting to drugs) without me and/or with vanilla roommates. This may sound harsh, but I’m not, nor do I want to be, my slave’s shrink or savior. Some people may see it differently, but for me, we’re here to enhance each other’s lives; we’re not here so I can cure you of deeply seated low self-esteem, or save you from your otherwise misery.
11. He had failed to communicate honestly and openly with me and the other roommates. Apparently, he had some issues with me (e.g., I wasn’t texting often enough when I was gone, and that made him feel less owned), and some issues with our roommates (e.g., they weren’t cleaning up after themselves). Yet, he never said anything to me or them. Instead, he kept all his little grievances inside, letting them fester and grow bigger and uglier, until they either explode in some sort of an emotional breakdown, or express themselves in contemptible, little acts of passive aggression against our roommates. This has been a problem with him from the beginning that we’ve been trying to address. After each breakdown, I assure him that he should come talk to me before things get too difficult to bear, and each time he promises to start doing it. Yet, the cycle keeps repeating itself again and again.
12. And to add insult to injury, a day after I had given us a week-long break to calm down and think about what happened, he came home from work with a decision and a plan for how to leave my house, to make ‘a graceful exit’. WTF?! Now, how immature is that? He fucks up big time, and while I’m giving him a chance to give him a chance, he says, no thanks, I don’t wanna deal with it, I’m just gonna run away? The audacity! The insult…. Oh, he is such a boy…
I feel pretty disappointed, let down, betrayed, like I’ve been living a lie with a person who is not who he says, and I thought him, to be. So he’s only being a responsible, caring, and considerate human because we play this game called ‘following orders’ when I’m around, but once I leave, he disintegrates into a messy, disrespectful, pompous, irresponsible, depressed, continuously stoned loser?! That makes me sick to my stomach.
This is what having your partner cheat on you must feel like, right? Since I don’t care for monogamy, no one has ever been able to cheat on me, but this comes closer to that than anything I’ve experienced ever before.
And since it’s my first time, I have no idea how to handle this. No idea. Do I let him go? Do I forgive, punish him, and keep him around? How do punish something like this?! Any words of wisdom are welcome.
It’s ironic, but perhaps fitting, that this happened only a day after my very upbeat “TMI Tuesday: My Life in 6 Chapters” post. Heh.
*UPDATE. If you care to know what eventually happened, click here.